The Mama's Boy Curse

What is a mama's boy?

The absence of a psychological and emotional connection between father and son or the father is not present is why many boys become mama's boys. 

Being a mama's boy is thought of as an adorable way to say there is an unbreakable bond between a mother and her son. Mama's boys' have unquestioned support for their mothers, and their love is unconditional, and they assume the love is reciprocated. Often, this is the case unless there is a man involved that serves as a barrier between mother and son. Some mothers do an exceptional job managing their dating and marital life while also meeting the needs of their sons. 

However, many women, especially those who are broken, wounded, or insecure, fall into the trap of allowing damaged and deceitful men into their lives. These men create toxic environments that detrimentally impact the long-term relationship between mothers and their sons, which explains why being a mama's boy is not always good. Men often mistreat boys they do not have a bond with or are not their sons. These scenarios can put mothers in compromising positions where they are forced to choose between the man and the child. 

Women who are not mentally and emotionally healthy tend to choose their trauma and pain over their children; this tends to manifest itself as the selection of a man that reflects their deepest wounds, fears, and insecurities regarding love and attachment. When this happens, the son's life is a roller coaster, and he does not know if he is having fun or having motion sickness. Although his love is unwavering, his frustration grows at his mother's inconsistency between what she claims her son means to her yet continually allows him to be collateral damage in her adult intimate relationships. 

Eventually, the distractions or band-aids mothers use to patch their sons up after another inexcusable occurrence no longer suffices. One day the son finally will see her for what she is and realize the bond is not what he thought it to be. Their bond is not healthy and desperately needs to be broken. For years, the mother sucked the love, loyalty, and adoration she should have been getting from her lover out of her son. These mothers are not different from emotional vampires who establish one-sided relationships with great listeners that offer excellent advice. Like emotional vampires going AWOL when it is time to be a reciprocal friend, when it is time for mama to make a sacrifice and have her son's back, she will fail with flying colors. 

I write the blog for all the young men still hamsters in wheels, loving their mothers like they love Christ but suffer countless letdowns because of her decisions. You were not born to be a sacrificial lamb for a woman who refuses to prioritize your physical, psychological, and emotional well-being over her dysfunction and needs to be loved by men she doesn't need. Nor were you born to take the abuse of an invalidating father, stepfather, or boyfriend that, regardless of what mama tells you, you know isn't right. Start the freeing process so that you can begin the healing process.

Beware of These Types of Stepdads

I am back for another episode of what the hell is wrong with people. They never lied when they said God has a sense of humor. My life experiences and background in psychology allow me to naively believe that I know something about life, that I have seen it all. God continues to show me that I have not encountered every situation, and as long as I live, there will always be more to learn.

In the most recent foolery, my wife linked me with a young man needing development to reach his athletic goals. Generally, Black males that aren't already jumping out of the gym and first across the finish line do not garner the interest of coaches, especially White coaches at predominantly White high schools. This particular kid is a 16-year-old sophomore that plays a variety of sports. He is not satisfied with his performance in any sport, and the issue is his speed.

I have studied sprinting for over 15 years, and I can help an athlete build their speed in my sleep. Our pairing made sense. I thought track & field brought us together, but eventually, it became clear our relationship had nothing to do with the sport. I am a social psychologist, and it was never my intention to psychoanalyze this child or any people in his life. However, when you are around people, you naturally learn things, and sometimes those things are concerning. 

First, I noticed his "dad" had a lot of rules and strict punishments, similar to my father. He told me he would get in trouble a lot and would describe these punishments. My initial reaction was, DAMN! All that punishment seems excessive, but I paid it no mind. During the period my father was in my life, he also had strict and absurd rules. Kids can survive strict parents when their parents actually love them and are responsive to their psychological and emotional needs. 

One day after a training session, he shared that his father is his stepdad, but he calls him dad. At this point, I was confused. I asked where your real dad is? He said he had never met him, and his mom says he was in prison. My antennas were up, but I still was not going to invest energy in trying to understand his home dynamic until one day. He shared that he learned that his stepdad was not his real dad in middle school. I said, WHAT? He explained that he had a friend who had a stepdad and casually asked his mom if he had a stepdad, and she admitted that his father is his stepdad. 

He told me he was pissed. He could not believe that he was listening to this man who wasn't his father all this time. As I expected, he began getting into trouble at school and incomes all these harsh punishments from pseudo-daddy. I explained to him that he was acting out because he felt betrayed. His behavior did not reflect him being a bad kid heading down a dangerous, irreversible path. I told him his feelings were valid, and his reactions were realistic. 

I could tell my words resonated with him, and that began a relationship that transcended coach and athlete and began to resemble big brother, little brother. He would continue to tell me about his life, not realizing I was horrified by the details. I knew he was 16, without options, so all I could do was listen. He was years away from my honest opinions. As I began to pay attention, I noticed he was missing the essentials that he needed for training. Usually, I would say tell your mother or dad you need XYZ, but I did not do that.

I bought everything for him. Some may ask why you would overstep like this and provide all these materials for this child? He was always concerned with money and would talk about needing a job to get the things he needed so he would not have to ask his parents. He said he does not like to ask his parents for anything, and he only asks his mom for gas money. As we walked to the track, I stopped him and asked him, do your parents always remind you how much money they spend on you.? YES! he exasperated. That is why I want my own money. 

By now, I am starting to read his life like a script, partly because I have lived a lot of it, witnessed situations like it, and have helped people overcome it. I was already training this kid for free, which is worth $100's, so who cares if I buy him some shoes, right? Unannounced to me, pseudo-daddy was fuming. He was making his list and checking it twice. His "son," whom he was really not interested in, was building a bond with someone else, and it had not even been a month. The boy was full of joy and hope for his future. He finally believed he would get to where he was trying to go and someone to go there with him.

In comes insecure Mad Max. Like my own father, he creates his facts, also known as lies. They love to demonize people with false narratives and use brute force to silence rebuttals from sounder minds. Mad Max used a situation unrelated to me or training to move against my integrity and remove me from his "son's" life forever. The auto-theft light would not allow my trainee's vehicle to start. He faced timed me asking if I knew what the light meant. I gave instructions on how to turn it off, but nothing was working. I said I would come down and help. We spent 1.5 hours trying everything the manual and internet suggested could fix the problem, but nothing worked. 

He was full of anxiety throughout the experience because he was afraid to call his parents. He said he knew they would be upset and would blame him. He swore all he did was turn the ignition, and this happened. I made a little joke and said, " Well, they may be upset, but it's not like you will get your ass beat " Then he said probably. That moment was awkward because it felt like admission to abuse, but I was unsure if he was upset and exaggerating or if a beating was imminent. My spider senses were tingling, and I had a feeling that his pseudo-father was a jealous man and would take offense to me being there. I asked multiple times, do I need to be gone before they get here? He reassured me numerous times that it should be fine.

The kid could not have been any more wrong. He dials his mom on speakerphone. He tells her his car will not start and the reason why. Instantly she goes into a state of irritation, dismissing what he said happened and accusing him of having done something wrong. She goes into irrelevant details like how long she drove the car without having issues. By her logic, an 18-year-old vehicle can't malfunction because it worked fine for her when Bush was in office. She says, " Well, I guess I will have to go get your daddy." I knew by the way she said the last sentence this was likely to turn sour for this kid. However, I did not think it would get turned around on me. 

I waited with the kid until his family arrived and thought I would hang around to see the issue with the vehicle. The dad parks his truck, steps out, and I immediately speak. He speaks back, but he does not make eye contact with me. I knew the guy couldn't stand me, but I put on my best polite act to avoid compromising the working relationship with the kid. Within seconds of exiting his vehicle, Mad Max rushed and snatched the kid up, cursing him out and threatening to beat his ass. I do not remember everything this lunatic said because I was in shock. As I am standing there in shock, the mother turns to me, how much do we owe you for the shoes? I replied, what? You guys do not owe me anything. She replied we would like to pay for the shoes. 

I explained. Again, it is just equipment, and it is not a big deal. I said how about this moving forward, I would let you know of any equipment charges, and she agreed. After what appeared to be a resolution comes Mad Max again, "WHERE ARE THOSE SHOES?" Scared shitless, the kid says they are in the trunk. Mad Max begins to rumble around in the trunk and then leaves it alone. He goes back to working on the car but then back to the trunk, looking for the shoes again! At this point, I see he is everything I imagined him to be, belligerent, abusive, controlling, and cowardly, which are all triggers for me. He is bullying this kid, the mom is watching, and I have had enough.

I started to head to my car because I knew a monster was there that day, and it was not Mad Max. Had Mad Max:

• Thrown those shoes at me

• Made any threat against me

• Or acted like he wanted to hurt me

The real monster would have come out. It triggered me to the point that I had my first significant lupus flareup in years. I could barely eat and could not sleep without sedatives for two days. The PTSD I suffer from being abused as a child combined with not feeling well is a recipe for disaster for whoever is on the other side.

I knew the working relationship between the child and me was over because I and his pseudo-father would never be safe around each other. He thinks he wants a piece of me, and I know I want him too. Not surprisingly, he forbade the kid from ever speaking to me again. I did not get the full details of the rumors and false narratives he created about me, but I could gather that he made it seem that my generosity was because I had an ulterior motive. 

Mad Max is an insecure coward that has found a situation with a woman who is insecure and allows him to lead. She lets him raise her son even though that is her responsibility. She watches her husband do things to her son that she disagrees with, but she is not willing to challenge Mad Max in such a way that would lead to a blow-up over her son. Mad Max has a bad temper, and mama doesn't want it directed toward her, so her son gets the honor of being Mad Max's punching bag. 

Mad Max's toughness toward his stepson is coded as doing what it takes to raise him to be a man and keep him on the right path. He even has the kid convinced that the excessive rules and how he is treated are normal. The kid is on the right track. As a social psychologist who has worked in a behavioral center and regularly encounters people with personality disorders, I can concur that this is a normal, well-adjusted kid, which is surprising considering his home life. The stepdad has convinced the mother that her son requires correcting.

The truth is, he does not like her son and does not want to take care of him. His rudeness, aggressiveness, abusiveness, pettiness, and strictness are his way of letting off steam. The lack of consistent engagement with the kid reinforces many of these points. This man could not tell you any specific details about the boy's track goals, and he does not know the time he ran in his last race or even the best time he's ever run. He never attended a single training session nor asked me any questions about what our goals were. He never asked how he could help and are there any materials the kid needs. He never offered any payment, and when I initially met the family, explaining I would be working with the child, he did not show any interest.

Many women, especially Black women, foolishly think they are going to find a man who wants to be a father to their child; this is RARE. Most men only want you and consider taking care of a child who isn't theirs a burden. They initially pretend to be engaged, but over the years, the engagement wains, and they start to treat the kid like a stepchild, keyword for burden. Many kids hate their stepparents and go looking for their birth parents once they become of age for the exact reasons listed above. Everything Mad Max does for your child is forced. There is no joy. He treats your child as a bad kid when he actually is just a burden. Any other excuse is bullshit. He can't wait until your son is out of the house and he no longer must care for him.

I have no idea if anyone involved in the situation will ever read this blog. If it's the kid, I say at 18, set yourself free. If it's the mother, I say woman up, do what's right, or else you will lose your son. Don't allow an unstable, hateful ass man to ruin the relationship you have with your son. The lies only last so long, and eventually, he will figure out this man is full of shit. If it is the father, I say anytime child-abusing coward. 

If I never talk to the boy again, this is the message I had wished I could say to him when we were together. Do not take people's excuses for their behavior at face value. Do not accept any excuse for mistreating you. If it makes you feel afraid, it is not love. If there is no patience, it is not love. If they are quick to get angry, it is not love. If you know it is a lie; it is not love. Love is peace. Love is kindness. Love is respect. Love is truth. A kid afraid to call home for help does not live in a safe place.